You know when you finally realize you are at peace with life, and everything around you smiles? That is my life 90% of the time. Yep, but then there is that 10% that makes you cry, weep, confused, and unsure. These last few days, things in life have happened that make me feel that 10%.
As some of you reading this know, my life has been nothing of normal. I was created on this earth with a little help from the doctors, and my mom's determination for a child. My mom's first husband was abusive, alcoholic, infertile and had mental disorders of his own. However, what my mom never let me forget, was that he loved me as much as he could. My dad took his own life when I was just 2 years old. My mom, which I have no idea how she handled this, did the best she could to love me, and to never give up on raising me to be passionate, loving, and a Christian. Then, not long after I turned 2, she got remarried to my step dad, and that my dear friends is a whole other blog post!
I am telling you some of my struggles from the past, not because I want sympathy, but because it has been heavy on my heart these past few days. A very dear friend of mine had a terrible interaction with the aftermath of a suicide. I was able to be there for her as much as I could while here in Durham, NC. As we cried together, we were BOTH healing.
Then a few days later, Zack and I got word that our friend's husband committed suicide. There again, I cried. Anyone with a heart would cry, but what I have been able to do is heal, and remember. You see, as I grew up and found out more about my first dad's life, and slowly learned more about who I was....I started to shut down. I shut down from asking questions, caring about my dad, thinking he didn't even love my mom or me, and thought I was so different that the only thing I craved was attention and normalcy. I got the attention, but never the normalcy, and because of that I chose to block out my past as I grew up, never ask questions, and rebel every chance I had. Why? Because I truly didn't want to know the truth of why I was so different from everyone around me. I just wanted to pretend that I WAS normal. So I blocked it all out.
The 10% of my life, makes me only think I need to ask my mom questions to heal this piece of my heart that I long ago shut off. I have not brought this topic up with my mom BECAUSE I have been such at peace, love the person I've become, and love all the people in my life. Therefore, never thought I needed to know everything about my past. I mean what will it benefit me? I honestly don't know, but soon I will. My message to all of you, is not to ignore your heart when it needs healing, but to allow it to open and be vulnerable. Love you all!